When Are Retakes?

It is crucial to note that Domestic Diety involves taking into account, not only your own appearance–but that of your childrens’.  I learned this lesson one day when my son brought his class pictures home from school.

Let me begin by saying, my kids are not the stinky ones!  They bathe nightly and their clothes are always clean.  For an 8 and 5-year-old, they are pretty hygienic.  But, sometimes during the morning rush; they are able to move off the premises looking a bit tattered.  You know, they may have some food on their faces that I forgot to clean off.  Or, maybe they weasel out without brushing their teeth in the morning.  And once in a awhile, they exit with unbrushed locks.

Well, my 2nd grade son, who we’ll call “Colton” hit the trifecta one morning about two weeks ago.  He hurriedly left for school on that Tuesday morning, with chocolate chip pancakes on his mouth, that same chocolate on his unbrushed teeth, and his hair in the vein of the great 80’s Australian comic, Yahoo Serious.  Normally, I wouldn’t have thought much of it.  I would’ve made note of the aesthetic deficiencies of my son and practiced vigilance the next morning….

Except, I didn’t know the day in question was “Picture Day”.  Oh, shit.  The nice thing was, at least at the time,  I would be unaware that I had let my son leave the house looking like Dr. Emmett Brown in goth makeup for the next couple of weeks.  Oh,  I also let Colton go to class that day in a black “KISS” t-shirt and ripped sweats.

I quickly was reminded of my lack of attention to my sons’ daily appearance 14 days later, when my wife ripped open the envelope that read “School Memories”. Upon perusal, she shrieked in my direction, “our son looks stoned!”.  I had to laugh, he really did.  For some reason, he gave this goofy shit eatin’ grin that I had ever seen on him before.  (Colton later described this dopey grin as his “special picture smile”???). The “special picture smile” allowed his chocolate stained teeth to really be accentuated.  His hair stood on end, like that of a Caucasian Don King.  And, the black chocolate chip smears on his pasty white face complemented his black concert t-shirt.  As a photographic composition, it was really quite exquisite!

My wife was disgusted that our 8-year-old was forever saved for posterity as a “hillrod stoner”.  And of course, she let the little ragamuffin’s handler (that would be me) have it.  She was right.  “I should never let our little angels out of the house looking so unattended.  They are a reflection of us!”, I told her.  My better half didn’t seem to care for my apology and warned me that there, “better be retakes!’.

Ah yes!  Retakes…the great cosmic “do over”!  I quickly found out from the school website that retakes would take place that next week.  Of course, I made sure that my son looked his best for this great chance at photographic redemption!

The new pictures came back a couple of weeks later.  Our oldest son, although still looking stoned to the bejesus (with his “special picture smile”), at least did not appear as if he had spent the night at an outdoor Molly Hatchett concert.

Always remember, a Domestic God must  be sure that his children-his little “reflections”, are to be attended to and meticulously groomed.  He must also, always, be cognizant of the calendar… because you better know when that goddamned “Picture Day” is.