An Impassioned Plea to the Moms of Lyndon Baines Johnson Grade School

Dear Mothers Who Pick Up Your Children at LBJ Grade School,

I am writing you this letter because of an ever-increasing epidemic that I, and others, can no longer turn a blind eye to.  This dilemma tends to be more of a seasonal issue; and with Spring just around the corner; I could not live with myself for one more warm Midwestern day without bringing my impassioned pleas to you.

There is no really gentle way to come out with my concern.  So, I will just say it: Ladies, you are not Britney fucking Spears–so quit trying to dress like her!  I pick up my son everyday from school and am nauseated by what you women try to pass off as “sexy”.  School pick up is not “sexy time”!  I would like to offer several quick ways to shield our and our childrens’ eyes from all this flesh. Perhaps the best way to accomplish this is to develop some kind of loose (you see that word???) set of guidelines for what is considered acceptable apparel when picking up your grade schoolers.

SHIRTS: Ladies, let’s start by wearing them.  A “shirt” is defined as, “a long- or short-sleeved garment for the upper part of the body”.  A piece of fabric wrapped around your breasts, with your nipple protruding does not fit this criteria. Tight ain’t alright.

While we are on shirts, let me make mention of a couple of things.  First, kindly, wear a shirt that actually fits the upper part of your body.  If you are a size “Large”, trust me small and medium will not do you justice.  Here’s a helpful hint to make sure you are wearing the correct fitting garment. If your love handles or your beer gut are exposed–move up at least two sizes.

Also, please refrain from choosing to wear shirts with derogatory words or images on them when picking your grade school aged children.  I recently saw a woman brandishing a t-shirt that read “I’m The F***ing Princess” across her triple G chest.  Upon seeing said shirt; I can only ask, what the fuck is wrong with you, your hillrod highness????  Send my regards to the Lord of Billyness, the “F’ing Prince”.

Lastly, what man doesn’t love cleavage?  Answer, the one who is viewing it on a woman dressed three sizes too small while waiting to pick up his 8-year-old.  It’s after school pick up, not amateur night at the “Landing Strip”.

PANTS: Again, ladies let’s start with wearing them.  Pajamas DO NOT count. And, as discussed earlier, size matters.  Every pair of jeans has a measurement on them–live by it.  There are no such things as “skinny jeans”, especially if you’re a heifer.  Believe me, I know this from my own experience.  I stopped trying to wear the “stretch” jeans I wore to go see Rush in 1989 a long time ago….1990, I think.  Listen, there’s nothing wrong with carrying a couple extra lbs.  I’m down with Tyra.  Just don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re svelte–when you clizzearly ain’t, girlfriend.

Also, Daisy Dukes were designed for the build of “Daisy Duke”, not “Uncle Jesse”.  Stay away from short shorts if ANYTHING is hanging out of them.  A caveat to this, underwear is your friend.  I fear that “McGruff the CrimeDog” may be called to LBJ for all the illegal crack that is in front of the school yard. And ladies, at all cost please, please, please I implore you,…avoid any  pants that may produce a”Camel Toe” scenario.  If you don’t know what “Camel Toe” is-ask a trusted male friend.  All dudes notice it–even the third graders.

I hope you appreciate my friendly suggestions!  And, I understand, this is not a one way conversation.  I, and my male counterparts, will promise to always wear pants and a shirt when picking up our children from school.  Leave the slutty attire to those tramps at Warren G. Harding High, ladies.  You are Mothers. You are better than that…and, frankly older than that, too.

If you do not do this for me or yourselves; please do it for the children.

Sincerely,

Moby Homemaker

Parent- Lyndon Baines Johnson Grade School

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5 Responses to “An Impassioned Plea to the Moms of Lyndon Baines Johnson Grade School”

  1. Kotz Says:

    Very enlightening and f***ing hilarious!

  2. Daisy Says:

    Well said, funny, and I couldn’t agree more. I work at a public library where there are often kids of all ages roaming about. I am constantly amazed and appalled at the way that some folks (both men and women) dress when they come in this very public place. It is quite disturbing to see how little some people care about the kind of impression they might be making on others, especially on any children who might be about. And, yes, the kids definitely DO notice such things.

  3. Fan of the Man Says:

    I blame global warming for the epidemic of which you wrote so eloquently

  4. sexandthesingledad Says:

    Oh my God! This is funny as hell and mainly because it is so freakin’ true. When I lived in California I took my daughter to school and picked her up every day. Between the moms that thought they were hot (and totally weren’t) and the sloppy ass moms I dreaded going to the school. Of course, there were the very few moms who were hot but were total bitches. Keep doing your thing bro and I will keep reading. I’m adding your blog to my list right now!

    • MH:DG Says:

      Thanks for the kind words!!! You are sooo right…my single buddies all think that there are MILF’s abounding when I pick up the kids from school. Nothing could be further from the truth!!! The stuff I see on a daily basis is derving of combat pay. I enjoy your stuff and will be checking in regularly. Thanks again!

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