Long subtraction…what the f#ck?

In your time as a Domestic God, you will meet challenges daily.  Most I have conquered.  But, as I learned, you can not rest on your laurels.  You need to be on your toes.  A Domestic God needs to be sharp and ready at all times.

My second grade son, (who we’ll call “Colton”), came home with a homework packet yesterday.  He and I have a nice arrangement. He brings the homework packet home Monday after school and completes the assignment.  That leaves him with the rest of the week to play Wii, eat snacks and beat the shit out of his brother.  Such behavior has made him an excellent student, while also giving the appearance of superior parenting on my part.

Colton is a very bright kid.  He usually brings me his completed homework with little to no errors.  It is extremely easy to “check” his work.  In fact, sometimes I check his work during “Happy Hour” over a cold one.

Yesterday afternoon Colton came home with his packet.  I was ready to check the work, per usual.  He explained to me that he was not done and that he “needed my help”.  My help?  Okay.  He told me that he was having some trouble with math.  Second grade math…no problem, I figured.

To seem scholarly and wise, I pulled out my reading glasses and perused the “troubling” math problems.  Again, this was second grade stuff–should be a breeze, perhaps even fun.  What I encountered shook me to my foundation.  I had come face to face with second grade long hand subtraction!  What the fuck???  God and my parents know I am a smart enough guy–who really hates school.  Math is one of the primary reasons for this despisal.

I was that jackhole kid who asked the teacher, “…when will I use this when I am older?”.  Ironically, my wife is a long time teacher.  Apparently, the teaching community hates those jackhole little mother fuckers.

Well, my smart ass question was answered.  I would need to know long hand math because someday a child, who looks just like me, will need me to teach it to him–kind of like a really boring “Quantum Leap” or “Terminator”.

The questions sat in front of me and I didn’t have a goddamned clue what to do-except grab a calculator.  I stared blankly for a minute with a sense that my eldest son would finally find out what a dumb ass his old man really is.  That isn’t supposed to happen for at least another decade.  With my reputation and dignity on the line, Colton then asked something about “crossing out and carrying a one”.

Yes! Crossing out and bringing over a one!  It slowly came to me.  With that, I told Colton that I needed to use the toilet.  I told him that I would read the questions over while I did my business.  Before I visited my office I slyly grabbed the calculator.  I was now in our half bath doing some long math questions and checking my work with a calculator.  Actually, I am lying, I used the calculator on my cell phone–making my rouse even more cumbersome.

Anyway, I came out from the bathroom with a somewhat firm knowledge of Colton’s math problems.  I showed him how to do long hand subtraction and he finished up his homework packet.  Everything was correct.  The Domestic God had done his job. I furthered the intellectual growth of my offspring.  I conquered the  challenge in front of me. And, more importantly, Colton continued, for the time being, to believe that his Dad was still the smartest guy in the world…or at least the second smartest person in our house.

And thank God, I could get back to Happy Hour.

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4 Responses to “Long subtraction…what the f#ck?”

  1. Fan of the man Says:

    “kind of like a really boring “Quantum Leap””…. every episode of Quantum Leap was really boring.

  2. Courtney Says:

    I remember long division…but what is “long subtraction”?

  3. Daisy Says:

    My son is a freshman in high school. He takes algebra. He knows better than to ask me to help him with that. I just shake my head at him and say, “Sorry kid, you’re on your own.” If his older brother happens to be home for the weekend from college, he can help him with it, or he can ask his brother about it on Facebook maybe. I’m useless to him now when it comes to Math. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I can still help him with English homework at least. 😀

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