Mac and Cheese

In your ascension from mere “At-Home Dad” to  Domestic God, you will find that much of your time will be spent feeding your kids. Let me begin by saying; I hate to feed my kids.  I always have.  Don’t get me wrong, I want them nourished and satisfied–I just can’t stand having anything to do with it.  Kids (at least my kids) cannot possibly eat any slower….and the mess, my Lord the mess!!!  Oh, the humanity…

Well, in achieving Domestic Deity, you will have to learn to deal with it.  Our five-year old, who we’ll call “Little Rusty”, eats non- stop when at home.  I shit you not, this kid eats no less than 3 pancakes, 3 apples, 2 bowls of Trix, several bowls of Cheez-Its and Ritz Peanut Butter Bits, 2 PB&Js,  a small bag of Doritos, 2 cups of peaches, an ice cream dessert , a half-gallon of lemonade and then comes dinner….he clocks in at a prodigious 42 pounds!!!

With dinner, I have to ask the question: is it considered child abuse to feed a small child macaroni and cheese for two weeks straight?  It is all that Little Rusty seems to eat at dinner- Kraft spirals and cheese.  I thought that I would be able to save a few bucks by adding some elbow macaroni.  Bad idea.  This guy tells me that the “other macaronies” taste funny.  “Taste funny???  They’re fucking pasta!”, I WANTED to say to him.  Instead, I gingerly explained to him that all pastas are pretty much the same goddamned thing!!!-even if their shapes are different.  But who was I fooling….  He told me that I was wrong and he would not eat ANY of this mac & cheese because the dueling pastas had mixed.

So, I prepared another batch of mac and cheese…of course, following all of Rusty’s strict specifications.  I watched him play and sometimes actually eat the meal for the next 10-15 minutes.  It finally occurred to me–this little bastard weighs just 42 pounds because NONE of his food actually gets in his fucking mouth!  My God, piles of orange spirals and wet peaches were strewn around Rusty’s seat.  I have to imagine this what the aftermath of a nuclear detonation may look like.  I frankly don’t even understand the physics of it.  How the hell did this meal get from his little fork to upwards of 12 feet away from his seat?

Well, at least, he’s happy and temporarily satisfied.  As I get the vacuum cleaner and mop for the second time today to clean this meal’s version of the Manson murder crime scene; this Domestic God again ponders: is it child abuse to feed my child macaroni and cheese for two straight weeks?  And if not, is it acceptable  to serve it in a trough in the backyard?


4 Responses to “Mac and Cheese”

  1. chelle Says:

    hehe despite the fact that mac and cheese is a favourite, offering a variety is always key 😉

  2. Marcie Ball Says:

    Seriously….My kids will only eat the spiral Mac-n-Cheese too. They say it tastes better?!

    Anyway-Keep up the blogs–they are hilarious and oh so true. (kind of like an Everybody Loves Raymond episode on line)

  3. mahasen Says:

    Great read. I leave a 1/2 cup of peas next to each of my kids meals in the hope that they atleast out few in their mouth. The rest I hoover after the meal 🙂

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