An Open Letter To Al Gore

Dear Vice President Gore,

You are the champion of Mother Earth and all things green.  In our domestic endeavors, Domestic Gods should, too, be good stewards of the environment.  Because you teach that it is our responsibility to live “green” on NBC sitcoms, I am writing you this letter.

Mr. Gore, I fear I may need to make a citizen’s arrest.  My family’s carbon footprint is that of Sasquatchian proportions. Let me explain.  My wife and two sons are wonderful people-great Americans.  But, they are highly negligent when it comes to your Mother.  Of course when I say “Your Mother” , I am referring to Mother Earth, not the late Mrs. Gore from Tennessee.

My 8-year-old son Colton takes half an hour showers daily.  Once he gets under the water-I simply cannot get him out.  It is as if he slips into a catatonic state.  Our 5-year-old son, Little Rusty, uses the toilet approximately every 12 minutes.  He has more flushes in a day than poker legend Phil Helmuth.  Then, once we convince him to wash his hands, he more often than not leaves the faucet running.  I cannot lie,  but on a recent out-of-town trip our family came home to find the bathroom faucet had been left on for two days.   I already feel bad enough about this water abuse, that I cannot bring myself to tell you about the alarming quantity of toilet paper that is consumed weekly in our home. Our toilets are more clogged than Elvis’ arteries. Let’s just say that Roto Rooter is on my speed dial.

Then there is our garbage situation.  Our average weekly garbage production matches that of a small third world country.  We have but four people living in our modest home, yet we somehow manage to fill a half a dozen garbage cans up each week.  If you know, or can create, some way to subsidize us for our amazing garbage production, it would be a great help–because we are good at it!  Also, I hate to confess this to you, but we don’t recycle.  Please forgive us.  It is not that we are against recycling, but my oldest son neglected to bring the recycle bin back from the curb and it was run over by a truck, rendering it useless. (Question: the mangled recycle bin is plastic.  Should I recycle it?)

Lastly, I need to tell you about the chronic electrical abuses perpetrated by my roommates.  I don’t know if there is a clinical name for their condition.  Perhaps you know?  My wife and kids suffer from an insidious disorder that precludes them from ever turning off a light, television or anything with a switch.  There are times that 4 tvs, 12 lights and 4 fans  left on-while no one is home.  I am certain that we will never be robbed–because it appears that we never leave.

Mr Gore, this Domestic God feels he has failed you and failed Mother Earth.  I try to be responsible with water use, garbage and recycling and electricity use, but I feel that the people I live with are out to undermine my agenda.  These people are  a slippery and their resolve seems strong.  I fear that I, alone, may not be able to make this citizen’s arrest.  Could you please send Ed Begley Jr. and the Green Police to my home to help take my wife and children into custody?  I will miss them while they are away in your Green Internment Camp–but I believe this is the only way we can break them of their anti-environmental actions. Please have mercy on their souls.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Tell Ed Begley to knock three times before the bust.

Environmentally Yours,

Moby Homemaker: Domestic God

P.S.  Congratulations on your movie!  I understand that it’s very good.  I apologize that I haven’t seen it.  The fact is; I’m not really into documentaries or Melissa Etheridge.  Perhaps on the dvd you could incorporate Steven Seagall (with ponytail, please), some sort of huge robotic spiders, some explosions, naked chicks and a couple of Megadeth songs.  I would then love to give a quick review of it on my “A/V Corner”.


6 Responses to “An Open Letter To Al Gore”

  1. always home and uncool Says:

    Skip the movie. Here’s the summary. We are doomed and at fault. Now you can rent Step Brothers instead.

  2. Eric Says:

    Best Letter to Al Gore. EVER!

  3. M. Rayment Says:

    Here Here Buddy….Keep up the good work……now excuse me while I turn the lights off and go to sleep.

  4. mahasen Says:

    I must threaten my family that i would write one of these. Did it help in anyway ? I once graphed the electricity bill on excel for over a month and showed it to my kids. They laughed at my graph !!!

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