The Commandments (part Trois)

The first four Commandments for becoming a “Domestic God” focused primarily on keeping your wife off of your ass. This is extremely important.  But, a Domestic God also needs time for himself-time to reflect, unwind, learn, and compete while the kids are at school.

TV and masturbation will only get you through a small part of the day.  Put them together, and you’ve killed even less time…  I now give you two more “Commandments” to make sure you stay sharp and sane–like a Domestic God should be.

THOU SHALL LEARN TO READ.  Reading actually does not suck.  Unlike grade school, high school, and college, you can now actually read stuff that INTERESTS you!  You can read about finding a new job, politics, history, torrid love affairs, pop culture, you can read about ANYTHING!!! I learned more about reading by going to a place called a “library”.  I had been unaware of these emporiums of information.  Get this; it’s fuckin’ free!!!  Sorry, but I get really excited about free stuff.  In your downtime, get a library card.  I am there twice a week.  In addition to books, you can even borrow dvds and cds–yes, for fuckin’ free!  Your kids will love a surprise “Sponge Bob” DVD and you will be able to finally check out the unrated version of “Showgirls” that you heard so much about.  Use this place–you are paying taxes for it.

A caveat to this Commandment is learning to just turn off the television.  There ain’t shit on–during the day.  News is the only thing an educated person can handle for more than a few hours during the day…and the news is not great.  Avoiding things that will further depress you is key. Turn on some music, or if possible, get yourself Sirius radio.  The Howard Stern Show is a fantastic way to avoid TV. Listening to the “Hair Nation” channel is also good. (There it’s still, and always will be, the 80’s–remember the time before you had kids, you had zero responsibility and a kick ass mullet!)  Satellite radio is a wonderful tool to compliment reading, cleaning,  watching “Showgirls”, etc.

THOU SHALL PLAY WII.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a gamer.  The last video game that I was any good at was Defender on Atari.  But last Christmas Santa brought this “Wii thing” to our home.  This system is amazing! I am lobbying our library to get Wii games–that would be amazing!  But I digress, one beauty of Wii is that it will allow you to play golf everyday.  (I shot a -13 the other day) Wii also provides me the opportunity to play drums for The Beatles on a solid “medium” level. (Suck on that Gringo Starr!).  The Wii will help kill some time and get you off your ass–without having to workout.  Not to mention the kids LOVE this thing!!!

So, if you follow these commandments for Domestic Deity, you can have a day where you play 18 holes of golf, explore new and exciting subjects and, in theory, bang Jesse Spano from “Saved By The Bell”.

Maybe being a Domestic God ain’t so bad…?

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5 Responses to “The Commandments (part Trois)”

  1. Fan of the man Says:

    I prefer Lisa Turtle

  2. Daddy Files Says:

    Whoa, whoa, whoa…

    Thou shall not insulteth the TV! I can’t live without my Lost, Modern Family and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Those high falutin’ books are what really hurts society. Charles Dickens has caused far more damage than Snooki on Jersey Shore.

    But yeah, the Wii is awesome. I’m still trying for the perfect 300 bowling game but so far it’s proven elusive.

    • MH:DG Says:

      I meant TV during the day…! I too enjoy the likes of Modern Family, and It’s Always Sunny, and I am down with “The Situation”….But TV during the day is only good for the hot chicks on Fox News. By the way, who the hell is Charles Dickens?

  3. Steely Dad Says:

    Dude, hilarious!

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