The Commandments (pt. II)

As promised earlier, I told you that I would be revealing a series of rules or “Commandments” to achieving  “Domestic Godliness” while you are filling the role of an “At Home Dad”.  I will now bestow upon you two more of these commandments that will ensure that your better half will stay off your ass…and possibly give you some.  Let’s face it, being out of work is bad enough–keeping your sanity for your family and yourself is paramount during these trying times.

THOU SHALT SHOWER AND SHAVE EVERY DAY. (or at least give the appearance that you did).  A wise man once told me “Get showered, get dressed , GET MOVING!”.  No, this was not my drill sergeant on Paris Island. In fact, it was my father.  This was a man who raised five sons–he was harder than any drill sergeant in the Marines.  Needless to say, his direction was convincing.

One cannot achieve Domestic Deity without getting out of bed.  Much like drinking all day, lying around all day is a tempting proposition.  But you need to get the kids moving, do some chores, look for work and play video games.  One can only accomplish a few of those goals from the warmth and comfort of bed.  Every day, you need to muster up the energy and drive to shave and shower, or you will run the risk of looking like the “Let It Be ” era Beatles.  Yes, it worked for them–but they had a job, selling a billion records.  I know, this is not always easy.  From time to time you can take a day off.  Feel free to take a “Polish Shower”.  I would like to thank my Polish friends for this practice.  For those of you unfamiliar, a Polish Shower occurs when instead of taking a shower you just wet a washcloth and go over the parts of your body that smell.  This coupled with a “soap shave” and some  cologne will make even your wife believe that you made the time to get yourself in gear to take on the day!  She won’t be able to jump all over you for lying around like a slug; and she may even jump ON you because you don’t look and smell like one of the Black Crowes.

Next, THOU SHALL COOK AND CLEAN. This is a topic that will be further explored often.  In our never-ending quest to become a Domestic God and at the same time keep our wives happy, upholding this Commandment is of paramount importance.   Bottom line, you are home most of the day.  Between looking for employment, dealing with kids and looking for eroticism on the net, you have a few moments to clean up and maybe put an easy meal together.  I’m not saying that you take the place of your cleaning lady that had to be relieved when you lost your job or  that you be like that hot little red head  from “Charlie Wilson’s War” who was in that chick flick with Meryl Streep–who cooks Julia Child’s gourmet every night.  But you need to keep the place in order.  Get those Clorox disinfectant wipes.  They clean EVERYTHING. (I am on pace to break the land speed record for cleaning a bathroom by spring!) And simply vacuuming actually gives the “appearance” of really hard domestic labor!  In a matter of a few minutes, you can show your hard-working spouse that you care enough about her and your family to keep a tidy home.  Topping that off with an EASY dinner (like a baked ravioli/lasagna dish recipe that I will share with you later) will be as effective as a Nora Ephron film…without putting in the two plus hours of Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, some annoying little bastard, and Harry Connick songs.

And never underestimate the power of a scented candle.  It makes EVERYTHING smell better.

Decorum prohibits me from explaining what your wife may do if you follow all this up by doing the dishes…..

I will provide you with more commandments to ensure a happy and horny wife….and acheiving Domestic Deity.


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