The Commandments (Part 1)

If you find yourself in my situation as an At Home Dad or, as I call it a “Domestic God”; you need to know that there are some unwritten rules.  These rules are fluid…but some are steadfast.  I wish to discuss a couple of them now.  Once you learn and practice these “Commandments” if you will, the movement to Domestic Deity will be easier…and your chances of getting laid regularly (by your wife, of course) will increase.

Just as God bestowed His Commandments on Noah (or was it Moses?); I bestow the Commandments for turning you from a mere “At Home Dad”  to Domestic God upon you.

First, although the temptation will be great; THOU SHALL NOT SPEND THE DAY DRINKING! This one is a biggie.  Trust me, I like beer–who am I shitting–I LOVE beer.  Being laid off might seem like  “vacation time” and what’s more fun to do on vacation than pounding some brews?!?   I experimented with this concept early on and let me assure you, it is a BAD IDEA.  First off, Moms may be able to get away with it–but Dads simply cannot show up to pick their kids at school with a buzz (or worse).  Not only can you risk the chance of hurting someone, but men look really creepy when they are hanging out in front of school, even sober.  Also, I am fairly confident that most wives really don’t want to come home from a long day at work to find the kids out of control, the house a mess, and Dear Ol’ Dad passed out in front of “Ellen”. Although it is not obvious, you may see the possible correlation to the sex thing here…

Next, THOU SHALL NOT FRATERNIZE WITH THE AT-HOME MOMMIES. Stay at home Mommies are everywhere it seems….at school, at the store, on Facebook.  They rarely seem to be “at home” at all. This rule is pretty self-explanatory, folks.  Your work is that of Domestic God; not gossiping with the girls over lunch. If you think your wife will be pissed that you were drunk all day….imagine how the situation escalates when you add your old girlfriend Sue (who you just reconnected with on Facebook) in the mix? I know a lot of people are addicted to Facebook, but -Hey, Dudes, stay off it while your better half is at work!  Sometimes while you are laid off, the days can be long and even lonely…so go read a book, have some tea while listening to soothing music, or find a good free porno site.

Following these two simple Commandments will assist in your elevation to Domestic God….and will keep your wife off of your ass. Looking for gainful employment is a tough enough deal–keeping your wife from busting your nuts during this time is paramount for your sanity.

Also, although there has been no scientific proof, I will guarantee your chances of regular consensual sex with your spouse will increase if the aforementioned rules are strictly adhered to.  Just as Moses gathered animals by two to board the ark (or was that Noah?), so too will more Commandments be revealed in due time.

P.S.  THOU SHALL COMMENCE HAPPY HOUR AFTER 5:00pm  (or 4:00 if it is a really nice day). –MH:DG

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