Outta Work…Outta Hand

In case you have missed it; our country is in the midst of a deep recession.

Depending on which figures you look at; Unemployment is anywhere from 10% to nearly 20%.

I am one of those statistics.  I live in a medium-sized , middle class, Midwestern hamlet.

Nearly a year ago I had a “dream job” with one of those companies that got a bunch of bailout money….today I am an “At Home Dad” tending to two young boys.  My wife calls me “Mr. Mom”…I prefer “Little Moby Homemaker: Domestic God“.  If we are going to use 80’s pop culture references, I prefer to borrow from the once great Roseanne Barr, as opposed to the 1983 Michael Keaton movie, where he loses his job and stays home to tend to the kids while his wife (played by Teri Garr) goes to work.  For many reasons–that reference hits a bit too close to home for me.  Not to mention that my physical appearance and demeanor really resembles Roseanne more than Michael Keaton anyway.  So…

My wife is a hard-working, smart, cute teacher…my sons and I are a lucky brood.  Her job is a decent and stable one.  So, my story is no American “tragedy”…I prefer to think of it as a colossal American “pain in the ass”.

I am not alone in this situation.  There are many of us out here.  Those of us who went to college, worked hard  and were born with penises; we thought that we would have wives to take care of our homes and families while we worked, travelled and had dinners and drinks on corporate expense accounts.  We were wrong.  At least, I was.

I have  found this “job” to be the most demanding and lowest paying that I have ever had.  It’s like “Roots”…but that mini-series actually had an ending.  Before you go and jump on me for such a hyperbolic comparison; I know homemaking is not  anywhere as bad as SLAVERY!  But let’s be honest–when slaves broke free, they could run to freedom.  At least there was a small chance to break the shackles of the oppressive and evil captors and gain amnesty. If I run, I have a five-year old who will chase me down relentlessly without mercy or abandon for snacks.  Plus, I’m too fat to run anyway. The “chains” that bind me are truly hefty ones…..

This blog is a chronicle of my time as a Domestic God.  As shitty as I think my situation is, I have learned that it could be far worse.  In fact, a lot of funny shit happens.  In case the word “shit”, or any other curse words offend you (I am guessing that my Mother will at some point read this)–I sincerely apologize.  But being around two young boys all day, this about the only fuckin’ time that I can spit out such filth.  I want to share this filth with others who are hoping to achieve Domestic Deity.

Come back soon.We’ll leave the light on for you. (sorry Tom Bodette from Motel 6…but I haven’t come up with a good sign off  just yet…and  “Homemaker- out” was just too gay.)  -MH:DG

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4 Responses to “Outta Work…Outta Hand”

  1. Jamie Says:

    I look forward to reading more about the “Domestic God” vs. the 5 year old boy!

  2. Ann Says:

    I don’t have kids yet, but I was laid off at some point. I couldn’t imagine juggling looking up career builder job posts and making sure my five year old has the right shark fruit snacks. I think you have a unique view point that differs from your every day mom on the run. You are the essentially the Danny Tanner of this economy. Swap out Good Morning San Francisco for Good Morning Rockford. I look forward to reading your blog in the future.

  3. Jaynee Norgart Says:

    sign me up. I love it! This could turn into a big gig for you. IF you have a computer camera, tape some shit and put it on utube! Great job matthew, spending that time at home wisely!

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